There is no bad guy in good parenting–You have the right to say, 'No'!

Francine Wilkens

Francine Wilkens

Parenting is the hardest job anyone could have. We try to balance what we do: caring vs. smothering, freedom vs. limits, doing for them vs. allowing them to do for themselves, giving advice vs. dictating. Every parent questions whether they are doing the right thing. We look at every decision through a microscope and play out each scenario again and again, in our heads. Perfection is impossible, let’s make that clear! Remember, we do have the right to make mistakes and to try again. We also have the right to say, “No!”

As a teacher, I see the struggles that parents go through with discipline. Many times, I hear a parent say that they don’t want to be “the bad guy," or a mother says, as she points to a father, “he’s the bad guy." Newsflash–there is no bad guy in good parenting! You have the right to say, “No." In fact, it’s in the job description to say no about certain things. That can range from what kind of shoes your children wear to school or how they treat other people of all ages. Parenting is our job and we are responsible to show them how to make this world a better place. We need to teach them respect and manners, love and limits.

In actuality, it is our responsibility, as parents, to guide our children. We need to set limits and boundaries, so they understand what is safe and what is not.
In actuality, it is our responsibility, as parents, to guide our children. We need to set limits and boundaries, so they understand what is safe and what is not. We are the people they learn from. If we don’t show them the right way to act or do things, who will?
 
Children look to their parents for that guidance. Without it, they won’t have the ability to prosper in this world. No one should walk down the middle of the street, right? There are crosswalks and signs to tell us when to walk and when to wait. We wear seatbelts in a car, we wear helmets on a bike. Every day we take precautions to stay safe. So why is it so wrong to tell your children that they can’t do something?

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Each child needs a parent to be their traffic light, their stop sign or their seatbelt. We offer them advice in tough situations and show them how to treat others. We expect them to say “yes, please” and “no, thank you," to hold the door for other people, to clean up after themselves and to be kind to othersSometimes, they must WAIT.  As a parent, our most important job is to teach our children, and part of that is to say no sometimes.

Saying no prepares them for the real world. There will not always be immediate gratification when they want something. However, if you are shy about using this word, try some simple strategies to help ease the tantrums.  For example:

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  1. If your daughter wants to wear those sparkly sandals in the snow, instead of saying no, take them out of the equation. Remove them from the closet and put them in a place where they cannot be seen.
  2. When your son only wants to eat pasta for dinner, offer two options instead of saying no.
  3. Limit how many toys are available to play with at one time. Being overwhelmed with “stuff” can create frustration.
  4. Practice positive reinforcement for the behaviors you want to encourage. This will eliminate the need to say no but still support good behavior.

Don’t worry about the tears, the pouting and the silence. In my twenty years raising my children, I've found that it's all temporary. The tears melt into the tissues, the pouts turn into smiles, and the silence turns back into chatty conversation. The world continues to spin around and my children still love me the same, even more sometimes. They know that they can always rely on me to be honest and to be their biggest supporter, as well as their fiercest protector. They know they will always be safe with me, because they also know I would never let them get hurt. They have freedom within limits, I care (with a little bit of smothering) they do things for themselves (under my watchful eye) and my advice is always free!

I am proud to say I have four very independent young women in my home who are polite, hardworking, resilient, social and respectful. And in their years growing up, they have all heard the word “no” plenty of times. I encourage everyone to try it–it works!

Francine Wilkens

Francine Wilkens

Francine Wilkens has been teaching at Whitby for 9 years. She is married to a Whitby graduate and is the mother of four daughters. As a Montessori certified Stepping Stones teacher, she is passionate about empowering each child with the opportunity to build their independence and self esteem, as she guides them in the learning environment.